New Year, New Me?

I remember when I was 19, I had some friends who were close to turning 25 and were freaking out about it. TWENTY FIVE! Who freaks out about 25? The only bad thing for me at 25 was that my mom was dying…

Now that I think about it 25 was a HORRIBLE year. But, it had nothing to do with my age.

In 30 days, I’ll be 30.

I’ll be honest, I’m freaking out a bit. There is so much good in my life. I am incredibly blessed by the life that Cary and I have made. But, I can’t help but feel as if the clock is ticking quickly and time is running out. I feel like this is quite possibly my middle age.

Before you think I’m just typically freaking out about 30 allow me to explain.

My Grandmother (mom’s mom) died at age 46 from uterine cancer. My mother died at 56, ultimately from complications of cancer.

It’s not looking good for me…

As much as I know I take better care of myself than my mother did (and likely better than her mother did) I can’t help but feel that cancer is an inevitability. Even though it does not occupy my thoughts on a constant basis, this impending birthday makes me think about it more.

Don’t worry I won’t break in to a Tim McGraw song, but I’m going to stop wallowing in the “I’m gonna die early” pit. I recently watched a fantastic movie called “About Time” that made me truly appreciate my incredibly ordinary life. Ultimately, I don’t have a million items to check off a bucket list. And that’s really OK. I just want to live my delightfully ordinary life for a long time.

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I listed all of the things I have accomplished during my time on this planet. While I don’t plan to enumerate them all here, I will tell you my favorite.

I’ve been able to make myself happy.

I am able to find happiness in my current situation. The day to day minutiae of life has the ability to take my breath away with its beauty. Every day? Of course not! Do I wish some things were different? Who doesn’t? Lately, I try my hardest to be in the moment (keeping my phone down) and just enjoying myself. Have you had someone give you their undivided attention for an hour, recently? And you have returned in kind? If you haven’t, let me tell you:

IT’S GLORIOUS!

What an easy thing to make someone feel important! You need to do this!*

More than any other resolution for 2014, I resolve to culture the ability to make myself happy. It is possible (and likely) that I’ve just convinced myself that I have this ability because I’ve spent the last 2 days cooped inside the house with Cary, being lavished with quality time.

If that is the case, I’m holding onto this feelingfor as long as possible.

 
 
*I want to thank all the people in my life that do this for me. You’re reading this blog. I know you are, because we talk about it during our undivided-attention-giving-time.
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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. diannec1945
    Jan 07, 2014 @ 14:58:17

    I really enjoyed the second part of your entry…. the part about finding happiness in the ordinary circumstances… not so much about the first part about your mom and grandma and what you think that means for you. Would love to have an hour with you… I am good at undivided attention… I don’t even have to have anything to eat or drink… just good conversation…. what say you?

    Reply

  2. janet
    Jan 07, 2014 @ 15:44:40

    I know exactly how you are feeling! My mother died at age 28 and her mother at 30. Many family members died of cancer and the question wasn’t IF but WHEN I would get cancer. I was sure I wouldn’t live past 30 and it was a heavy burden to carry around. The older I get, the easier it gets to deal with.
    I love you to pieces girl! You have blessed all those around you with your beautiful personality! XO

    Reply

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